tugging and pulling

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I don’t think you understand a mental breakdown until you’re driving in a car and sitting next to someone you love but every hair on your skin is standing up. There’s an unsettling feeling in your stomach and your gut is yelling at you to get out of there regardless of how fast the car is going because the man whom you love so madly has just told you he’s not sure if he is even in love with you anymore or not. The only thing really stopping me was the fact that my child was in the back seat and I couldn’t do that to him. I’ve never wanted to be so gone, but so much there at once in my entire life. Fuck the injuries I would more than likely sustain and screw the hospital trip, I felt numb and out of it already. I didn’t want to be touched. It was either going to be out of sympathy or just a lie in general and those sounded like horrible reasons to be touched at the time. Don’t talk to me about the roads, I don’t know why I’m here. Why I agreed to get in that car that day will always be a mystery in me. Actually, no. I got in that car because I was distraught. I wanted so badly to believe that the previous night was a dream I had after getting completely wasted off of cheap, fruity wine. I was literally drowning out all feeling I had until I couldn’t remember the words he had spoken to me. I didn’t want to accept what might be happening and what our future could possibly look like a few weeks from now. The thought was just absurd to me. How could it be? I wanted to have such a great time on our adventure but how could I? When in my head, it was all just a big fat lie to me. The laughter and smiles that trailed after, the pumpkin picking and corn maze adventure. Memories built on the foundation of false emotions. That was the only thing running through my mind that whole day. From the moment day broke and my eyes opened my mind screamed and my heart ached for me to get out, but my body couldn’t move. I just laid there. Confused and with tears racing down my face, eyes burning red and stinging with every blink I made. That night and day was the most affectionate he has been since January. Why did it take so much time and so much pain for me to receive so much affection like that again? Why did I have to get rolled eyes answering my questions as if I were a burden? I do believe this man loves me, don’t get me wrong. There really is so much he does to show it and I will always appreciate it all.  There are just also some things that I don’t understand and I’ll probably never understand too. It’s hard to get your pain across to someone when their job causes them to be almost emotionless or not know how to deal with pain and hurt like any other person. I refuse to throw this all away without trying to fix it first. We deserve that much.

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