What is love?

4d3eec9e11944b1c55496ab18a741366I’m clinging on to every last shred of hope here. Every drop of love that could be left. Fighting for something you madly desire seems to be so hard in this era. It’s even harder though when it feels like you’re the only one who’s really trying. I always said, “I didn’t need him, I wanted him,” as if needing someone was a bad thing. Truth is, I want him and I need him. But it’s not fair to make someone stay just because of what you want. I actually do realize that there has to be limits to my selfishness. So here I am. Praying. Hoping. Begging for this man to realize that while couples may not always be in love with each other all the time, they will always love each other and as long as there is love there will always be everything worth fighting for. So please tell me that I do not stand alone. Please let me help you with not just this but beyond. You’re afraid of change in a dramatic and major way so let’s take baby steps, ill teach you to walk and help you to run.  Nobody knows where they will be in any time frame of future but as long as they have an idea of what they want they can make goals and take the steps necessary to get there. It’s scary, I know. I’m terrified too! But are we not worth fighting for? Are we not worth more than an “I don’t know?” because if you make us walk opposite ways I will have to shut that door forever. Its going to absolutely kill me inside and outside on every level but I wont torture myself by going back and forth over and over. I thought raising a child alone was going to be the hardest thing of my life, but it’s not. Having your heart shattered for the second time after being so sure is the hardest thing of my life and after you. I fucking need him and I don’t want to need him because I feel like needing anyone is horrible and an unattractive quality but I can’t not need him! Normal people who go through this end up missing the feeling of having someone in bed with them, not seeing them all the time, or not being able to hold them whenever they want. But what is there to miss about me when the man I love isn’t one who spends almost every waking moment clinging to my being, when he is someone who loves his space in bed and being sprawled out and when his job requires most of his career to be on the road so we are used to time and miles away….or at least he is. I need to know what the hell there possibly is to miss about me here! The thought alone of not having him in my life is enough to break and kill me. How long will this take? What can I do? I cannot guilt someone into staying with me because then everything will be a lie from that point on. I wish there was more about me to hold on to, have faith in. I am going somewhere in life. I am successfully working towards all of my goals with or without him. to have him though would be my jam. to venture into our career paths together, side-by-side is something I have dreamed of multiple times. Was I so wrong for wanting this? was i wrong or too fast for working towards it after a successful year and some months of a successful relationship? Why is fear clouding judgement and why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel as if I will never understand this?

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