The day my heart broke

So here is something that I have been needing to drop and is more than long over due, but where to begin? Well for starters, let’s call this person ‘Deadbeat’ because there is honestly no better fitting name for him. I used to say Sperm donor but that was still too nice and I went with Voldemort for awhile but that insinuated that was far more praiseworthy and required me to fear him, which would never in a million years ever happen.  Anyways, you know how when people get hurt in a breakup and they have that person they can cry to? That person who is there to listen to how they feel and be the ear to their pain and you’re just able to get everything out and somewhat feel better? I never had that with deadbeat. My family shut me out. All of my parents. My sisters. My so called brother who claimed to always be there for me and have my back on everything and help in every way possible. I talked to my brother in-law and he was great, but honestly everyone else made me feel like such a burden by then that I didn’t want to tell him everything because God forbid I annoy the shit out of my favorite relative. But really though, do you have any idea how important that shoulder to cry on is???  Because I seriously never knew, let alon considered, how important that persons role even is until deadbeat left me! So, here it goes.

You broke me. In ways that I never knew or thought ever possible. You tore me apart and broke me down. My trust? Shattered. My walls? Blown to fucking bits and pieces. 10 years you were apart of my life, 10 years!  You made me feel so small and so less of a person. Why? Why you’ll you do that after saying how much you loved me? Did you ever actually feel that way about me? About anyone? Do you even know what love is? I think you don’t. Because if you did, the thought of doing any of the things you have done would have disgusted you. Actually, if you did love me you wouldn’t have thought to do those things at all!

Our relationship was drunk. Literally, we were always under the influence in at least one type of way 24/7. You got me into the worst addictions. You almost had me turn my back on my own blood! I hate who you made me become. You cheated on me and left me while I was pregnant with a baby that we created together. WHO FUCKING DOES THAT?!?! You. You are the kind of monster who does that kind of thing. The kind of monster who says, “I only dated to so I’d have something to fuck.” The one who makes me feel like the worst person ever because I choose not to put my body and my baby through an abortion. 

You never deserved me or my efforts. The love I have was far more than you should have ever known. You were poison to my life. You continued to have sex with me when I told you that it hurts. That I don’t want to. That I want you to stop. I begged you to get off of me! I fucking pleaded until I cried! And you had the fucking nerve to step outside and CRY?!?!?! I’m glad you’re gone because had I tried any harder to keep us together, I know I could have lost Zayne. I know my mental state would not be what it is today and I know I would let be happy and I would be so ashamed of my life.  


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